I missed you
by the lieutenant
Summary: pre- canon royai, Roy returns to the Hawkeye household for the secret to flame alchemy and a certain young blond. But with letters unanswered will Riza really forgive Roy that easily? And why had the letters been left unanswered in the first place?
1. He's Back

**This fic is rated m but smut isn't until chapter 3, at least! Just a heads up, I know it drives some people nuts when it says "rated m for later chapters" hahaha**

He's back why does he have to be back? Why couldn't he just stay away? Of coarse it was only a matter of time before Roy Mustang would walk right back into Riza Hawkeye's life. He needs it after all. The secret. He made it perfectly clear he didn't need or want anything else from her. Riza knew it was coming she just wasn't ready for it so soon, so quickly. She was already stressed on what she was going to do when her father dies, she didn't want to think about him as well. But when the doorbell rang on that rainy day she knew it could only be one person. Her father was sick after all, he must want to ask one more time before the man finally dies. Finally get the notes he had wanted for so long, if only he knew.

She opened the door and looked up at him. To say he was different would be an understatement he was taller, broader, and physically he looked much more muscular. And to top it all off he was wearing a military uniform, her father was going to love that. He looked at her as well, taking her in since the time they had been apart, it had been very different back then. Everything seemed so long ago, Riza felt like if it was a different world, different life, she missed it a lot. She missed him a lot and what crushed her the most was he didn't miss her. His eyes were the same though, but there was a flash of almost hurt in them from seeing her. Why was he upset? He was the one who left her letters unanswered. He answered them for a while but maybe he realized how much world there really is out there. Maybe he realized she was the just his master's plain daughter. Nothing special. Maybe he found someone, that would make her feel a little better, that meant he found someone not that he just couldn't be bothered with her.

"Riza I—" he started.

"My father is in his bedroom Mr. Mustang, you will find him in there." She cut off. She wished it could have been that easy for him to get the research. That he could just ask and get it and he could be on his way again. But Riza knew all too well that her and Roy would be spending a good amount of time together, that and that she was going to be spending that time half naked.

Roy looked at her for a few more seconds, then went through the door she was holding open for him.

"Thank you" he said and just when Riza thought she could get away he grabbed her arm, not forcefully but enough to stop her in her tracks, but it might have also been the shock that he really was there. Maybe it was just hitting her now.

"Listen I want to talk to you, after, ok?" he asked, now she was sure of it there was a hint of some sadness in those black orbs. She didn't get it and that's what frustrated her. She pulled her arm away from him like he had burned her and replied coldly, "What is there to talk about?" and turned away from him and walked off before he could say anything else. Maybe she wasn't being fair to him, no, she knew she wasn't, its just, she felt betrayed. She thought he had been different somehow, that he actually cared. Its too cliché now that she thinks back, a handsome young man walks into a shy girl's life and gives her just a little attention and she overthinks the whole thing. Riza is an intelligent girl but when it came to the situation with Roy she saw herself as any other idiotic girl who melted over a boy's attention. But she really had thought he cared, that he wouldn't leave her. But in the end she had to face the fact that everyone leaves her in the end. Maybe she drove people away… or maybe people just couldn't stand to be around her. Had she done something to drive Roy away? What had she done wrong? Why did she care after all this time? But before she could even think of answers to these questions she heard yells and rushed up the stairs. When she finally made it up there she saw that yet another person had left her.


	2. After the Funeral

"Thank you for covering the funeral Mr. Mustang," Riza replied, as she and Roy stood in front of her father's newly dug grave. It was made of a plain grey stone, cold stone. It seemed so final, yet her father had been sick so long. Now it seemed the long struggle had finally come to an end. Riza had cared for her father, she had loved him, and feared him, but he was her only family never the less. Seeing him suffer the way he had made his death upsetting but also almost relieving.

Was Riza happy he had used her as his own personal sketchpad? No. But that showed that even though Hawkeye was not the most loving parent, he did trust her judgment completely. Riza thought that in its own strange way that was a means her father used to show his love for her. Even when Riza thought over what had gone on inside her father's head she still didn't think she would ever understand him completely. She had to remember though that he had hurt her. She was going to be burdened with this the rest of her life.

"He was my master anyway, it's the least I can do,"

Maybe it was how passionately he had talked about his dream, maybe it was because he wanted to protect people with it, maybe it was because even though he had stopped caring or maybe never even did about her she still cared deeply about him. Whatever it was she knew what was the right decision . But could she truly trust him? She knew she shouldn't involve personal feelings with the greater good but could she really bring her self to give him the most important thing in her father's life? After everything that's happened…. No. she mustn't think of herself when she should be thinking of the thousands that could be protected by him. How could she be so selfish? She had to show him, no matter how much her emotions were against it. Roy was sure he wanted to use this for good. So she should trust him. And once he got it he would leave this place again, permanently and maybe this time she could finally move on with her life!

Riza lead Roy back to the house quickly, as if, if she didn't hurry home and show him she would lose her confidence in the decision she made and change her mind. Riza knew that wasn't the case, her mind was made up. Maybe she was just anxious to get the awkward situation out of the way. Roy had to jog to catch up with her, walking at her side silently. At least that didn't change, she missed walking next to him.

She opened the front door and went up the stairs. She felt this odd sensation, as if she was numb. But every step she took made her feel more and more overwhelmed with the horrible emotion of shame. She felt like a bad egg, like damaged goods and Roy of all people was the last person she wanted thinking that.

Finally they got to the study, Riza finding it a far more appropriate place as oppose to her bedroom. Riza held the door open for Roy and then moved to stand in front of him. She didn't bother to explain when she began to unbutton her shirt, slowly and carefully, trying not the fumble with the garment.

"Riza, wait wha—" he started realizing just what was going on, she could hear the embarrassment in his voice. Then she let the shirt fall to the floor, quite a dramatic gesture when she thought about it and the room went dead silent. She breathed in slowly and deeply trying to calm her self down, she could feel tears welling up in her eyes, where did they come from? She thought. Why were there tears. So many tears. She didn't want to cry, not there, not in front of him.

After a full minute of silence Riza grew uncomfortable and turned her head slightly to look at him. She didn't expect what she saw. There was a mix of anger, pain, and almost regret on his face.

"Riza, what the hell? What the hell did he do to you!?" he asked his voiced laced with anger.

"This is my father's research. Do you think you can decode it, Mr. Mustang?" she asked indifferently.

"Riza how can you be so calm about this!? How could he do this to you, to his own daughter?!" he replied.

"He didn't force me to do anything, this was my decision and my decision alone," she said defensively, "He needed me to keep his life's work safe, it is the least I could do for the man."

"But Riza what about you? I mean you- "

"Why should you care anyway. You have it now so you should get to work decoding it, Mr. Mustang" she interrupted coldly. Honestly in that moment she didn't want his pity.

"Stop calling me that," he replied harshly, obviously taken aback by her coldness. She didn't say anything back to him, she honestly didn't know what to say. She just stared at him blankly.

"What the hell happened to you? To us?" he added desperately, his anger melting into sadness and regret.

"Us?" she asked. Why was he doing this? Why was he bringing up things she thought were in the past, things she wanted to forget.

"Don't try to act like nothing happened between us Riza. I don't know about now but I wasn't always a stranger in your eyes," he replied defensibly.

"What happened back then I have come to realize was never real, we were just kids, we didn't even know what 'real' was," she answered bitterly.

"I thought what we had was more than a childhood crush"

"Then why did you stop writing me Roy!?" she said, his name stinging her lips. Why hadn't he? Why does he say all these things but not even have the kindness to write, it had hurt her, burned her and she wanted to know, needed to know.


	3. Stuck with a military dog

"Because Riza, because.." he stuttered.

"Roy, I wish you would just stop all this, the pretending, please." She said desperately.

"Listen to me Riza," he said grasping her shoulders, "I didn't want you to be stuck with a military dog, that's why I stopped writing. I didn't want to make you stay back, hold you on to the life you want to leave, waiting for me. I didn't want that for you. You don't deserve that. It wasn't a matter of what I wanted, its just what I thought was for the best. I was hoping you would find someone and be happy. That you wouldn't be burdened with yet another thing."

"Well I didn't find someone, did you?" she asked.

"Would I be saying all these things if I had? Riza, I don't want anyone else. But if you had found someone I would be happy for you and wouldn't interfere. But I realize now that I can't stay away from you, no matter how much I try. I hoped if I stopped writing it could help me stay away. But all I can do now is ask for another chance. I promise, I will work less and I'll be here for you no matter what it takes. I almost lost you once, Riza; I don't want to mess up again. Okay? I'm going to fix this, I promise, I'm going to fix this…" he said as he pulled her closer to him, wrapping his arms around her tightly. He was holding her so tight, as if, if he let go of her he would loss her again, forever this time. He probably thought that was the case.

"Lets go back to the way it was," he mumbled against the crock of her neck. They were so close, Riza could smell him, feel his muscular body against hers. She closed her eyes and leaned against him, it felt so good, he felt so good. Could they really go back? Was it really that simple?

"Riza I'm so sorry."

Then she realized what he had just said, work less? No matter what it takes? What was she doing, she had tried to let him go so she wouldn't become a distraction and look what is happening! She was becoming just that, her task was to teach him flame alchemy, and only that, if this went on he would forget his way, worry too much about her and not enough about himself. She couldn't, wouldn't let that happen. His dream was to learn flame alchemy and he was forgetting that.

"Roy, Roy please," she said as she prided his arms off her, feeling his warmth leave her body. He looked at her, smiling warmly and she felt her heart drop. She had always known his goal clearly, but now, she didn't know what to do. She wanted him, cared about him, but if she allowed him to return those feelings she would be getting in the way of his number one goal. What was she suppose to do? How could she push him away when she cared about him so much still?

He had determination and will, and she had nothing but a tattoo on her back to help him. How could they possibly work? How could it ever be equal? How could she ever catch up? She couldn't. Riza looked at his smiling face, at the man that was so willing to do anything to be with her. She had to end this or all she would do is get in his way. Riza loved him, but she knew if she truly did she would have to do this.

"I can't," her voice cracking.

"What?" he said softly, stepping back slightly.

"I can't," she repeated, "I can't do this Roy."

His face was like stone but looking into his eyes she could see how those few words had affected him, and she hated that she had caused him to look like he did. "Was… was it something I did?"

"No, no you didn't do anything," was all she could muster.

"Then Riza tell me what it is, please," he pleaded, grabbing her forearms, "We can still make this work."

"Please Roy, don't make me say anything else about this," pulling away from him, "Please try to understand how much it hurts me to say these things."

"Riza... please.." he said, as she backed away from him.

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," she said before opening the door and walking out.

The next few days after that consisted of Roy studying and only studying. It seemed like him and Riza had become like strangers. He was hurt that she didn't trust him but also understood, since he hadn't given her much of a reason to. She had trusted him once and he blew it, now he didn't know if things would ever be ok. After all of the memories they had made, hugs they had shared, Roy never thought it would come to this, that the distance between him and her would become so drastic, and he couldn't do anything about it.

Finally after a few days, he couldn't take the silence between them any longer and got a jolt of courage, "Riza,"

"Hmmm?" she replied, her tone made it seem like she was dozing off as he studied her tattoo.

"Can I touch you?" he asked, when he saw the muscles of her back tighten he quickly changed his wording, "I meant your tattoo, it might be easier if I was able to trace the workings of it."

Part of that was true, he did find it easier to trace something he was studying, but he also just wanted something, anything to connect him and her, to know she was still there, no matter how distant she was.

She looked at him for a second then nodded slightly. He smoothed his fingers down the small of her back, making his way back up her spine. Her skin was smooth and warm but also extremely tight. She was tensing under his touch. Out of this whole thing Roy took that the hardest, that after everything, she didn't even want him touching her or feel comfortable around him. If he had any idea how badly he would hurt her he would have never done what he did, he really did think it was better for him to stay away. But know he realized how badly he had messed up; he couldn't stay away now and had never wanted to. Now it seems just when this could have worked, their timing could finally be right, she seemed to want nothing more but for him to be done and leave. And with what great timing he has, he decides now to realize just how much he cares for her. To see her burdened with such a massive thing so young, to see her hurt, made him finally realize how much it effected him when she was unhappy.

He knew all these things and that's why he couldn't keep his mouth shut. He had to at least try to mend their broken bond, Roy knew Riza didn't want to talk to him, but he knew no matter how much it was damaged the bond between them was still there, and Roy couldn't just ignore it.

"Riza," he started, having no idea how he was going to keep the conversation going. He didn't know what he could say to fix things.

"What is it?" she asked, turning her head slightly looking more curious then cold.

"Riza," he repeated, he rarely was at a loss for words especially around her, but in that every moment he had no idea what he was going to say, or should say.

"Riza I— I'm just so sorry about everything that's happened," he said, his speech coming out choppy and uneven.

Now it was Riza's turn to be at a loss for words. She knew he was sorry, she knew he never meant to hurt her, but still…

"I know that already Roy"

" Then why cant you trust me, why cant you ever take a risk every once and a while. Hell, It wouldn't even be a risk, because if you ever gave me another chance, Riza, I would do everything in my power to protect you and make you happy. Why can't you believe that? Why can't you accept that I care about you?"

It seemed to be just another rerun of so many other times when he had said so many things and she had trusted him. Now. She didn't know what to believe, so she decided to stay silent.

"Riza, please talk to me," he said followed by silence, "please say something," his tone becoming desperate. Riza collected her thoughts and once everything was in order she began to speak.

"You can't do that Roy, you can't take care of me and go on with your ideas, just listen to yourself, whatever it takes? Stop saying things, making promises you can't keep. Its cruel and I don't want to hear it. Once you get this alchemy, this secret I hold, you are going to leave here just like you did last time, except now you wont have a reason to come back. So you wont, you'll pack up your bags and return to the military life where you'll get wrapped up in other things and forget all about me. In the past I had believed in you and I'm not going to make that mistake again. I can give you flame alchemy Roy, but that's it."

When she finished she realized she was crying, why was she crying? Her words had been strong but she was still so weak. Why couldn't she control her emotions? She had been so good at it before. So why not know? Why did she still care about him? Riza hadn't cried when her father died, maybe it was because she knew it was only a matter of time. Or maybe it was because her father had left her because he had to, while Roy left because he wanted to.

"I can't get attached to someone who's not going to be there, you cant be there, Roy you cant worry about me when there are so many great things you want to accomplish," she took a breath, it became hard to talk when the few tears became sobbing. Her bare shoulders began to shake violently. Roy watched her, wanted to take her into his arms wrap them around her and make it all better, but he didn't know if she would accept or become angered by his embrace, she had pulled away the last time. Finally he decided to take his chances and touched her shoulder softly, he couldn't stand to just watch her cry. She looked up from her hands and turning to him fully, and got up from the couch she was sitting on to where Roy sat on the floor before her and slowly sat down next to him. He pulled her to him and she didn't fight it any longer, she wanted to feel his warmth and be comforted by it. Her tears were beginning to wet his shirt, which she was fisting in her hands. He pulled her even closer and she squired in discomfort from her position, leading Roy to then pick her up slightly and sit her down on his lap, causing her to straddle him. She wrapped her arms around his neck crying into his shoulder.

The blond didn't know why she was accepting the exact thing she was pushing away a few days ago, a few minutes ago really. But now that she was in this position she didn't want to push away, no matter how much her head told her to. Roy wanted this and so did she. Maybe Roy was right maybe they could make this work somehow.

Roy was hesitant at first to embrace her in the new position, not because he didn't want to it was just because he was shocked, she said one thing and did another. He was confused and upset by what she had said and he had to know why she thought such things. "Is that really what you think of me? Do you really think I would do that to you, Riza?" he asked, his voice was quiet and sad.

"I don't know what to think anymore, my head is going in so many different directions. But I do know I care about you Roy and that's not going to change. maybe somehow we can find out a way for me to help in your ideas where I wont get in the way."

"Riza, you will never be in my way if anything I need you," he said.

"I want to believe in that Roy, I want to trust you."

"You can believe in me, everything I said to you was genuine. I want to take care of you Riza, to make you happy," and he meant it.

And with that Roy wrapped his arms around her bare waist, feeling the curves of her hips, pulling her to him. She wanted him and he wanted her, maybe this once she should to let go, take her chances and not be cautious. This once she could give in to what she truly wanted.

She pulled away slightly and Roy worried he had again upset her somehow, but her expression was warm and so was her smile. She ran one hand down his hard, square jaw line, while the other ran through his straight black hair. He held back a moan when her fingers began to massage the back of his neck.

"Oh, Riza," the young man said laying his head down on her shoulder, pulling her even closer. He wanted this, her so badly. She had been his friend in this lonely house, she was loyal and funny and compassionate and beautiful and he had never felt this way about another human being in his whole life and he doubted he would feel the same way with anyone else.


	4. Known for some time

His eyes widened when he felt a warm, wet kiss placed on the side of his neck, then another longer one, then yet another. When the sensation ended he looked at her shocked and she smiled back at him laughing. He gave a small laugh back and grabbed the back of her neck, feeling her soft short blond hair through his fingers. Slowly he moved closer and closer to her lips, he wanted to give her enough time to pull away, even though he would be crushed and surprised if she did. But she made no moves to pull away and soon their lips connected. Riza could taste him, feel his lips on hers. The kiss started out quiet, sweet, and calm but soon both of them became much too eager to stand the slowness of it. Roy pushed Riza's lips open with his tongue which she happily obeyed, deepening it further and just when he thought he had dominance of the embrace Riza pushed him onto his back, laying on top of him. He massaged her back and shoulders as she took his bottom lip into her teeth, biting it softly. Then she moved her lips down his neck kissing, licking and biting as she went along. Roy moaned in pleasure as she licked along his collarbone. She stopped and sat up, only to start to undo the bottoms of his shirt. She wanted the damn thing off, quickly. Her fingers fumbled with the buttons, shaking with excitement and anticipation. Finally she finished and he sat up to pull it off. Riza looked at his now shirtless form and realized just how grown Roy had gotten since she had seen him last. He had been a long, lanky, and very skinny 18 year old but now, he was older and stronger. Now his shoulders were broad and muscular, his chest was hard and he had a clearly visible six pack. The academy had made him a man, he was no longer the young boy she had once known and that just made her even more turned on. She pulled him to her and began to kiss him again much more desperate than before.

She then felt her shirt begin to fall from its awkward position wrapped protectively around her chest. He pulled at it slightly with the hand not in her short hair and the garment fell away effortlessly. He pulled away from the kiss reluctantly looking into her eyes; his sudden movements earned him a small whimper from Riza. As she looked back at him, she saw the lust gathering in his eyes, the same expression probably mirrored back in her gaze.

"Are you sure about this Riza?" he asked. There were still many things they needed to discuss, problems they needed to sort out together and with time not on their side, he wanted to make sure she was ok doing this. He personally wanted nothing more than this. He just wanted her right now. But that doesn't mean Riza felt the same. She might not be ready to do this after all the things he had done. It was ultimately up to her now.

Without a moment to spare Riza grabbed Roy into a crushing kiss, their bare chests pressed against each other. Roy knew he wouldn't be able to take much more, he needed her desperately. Riza fell back against him again queuing him to lie back on the floor. She was pleasantly surprised when he suddenly grabbed her waist, flipping their positions and began to kiss her neck passionately. He moved down her neck, then to her collarbone and then down to her breast, licking and kissing it lightly before taking her nipple into his mouth. The moans Riza made only added fuel the fire of desire already burning inside him. She arched up to meet his mouth pulling his hair slightly. But before Roy could pleasure her anymore, she grabbed his face making him look at her. Now it was Roy's turn to whimper after being pulled away.

"We should go upstairs," she whispered in his ear before kissing it gently. Roy didn't need to be told twice he got off her right away and when she was about to make her way out the door he grabbed the back of her thighs picking her up. She automatically wrapped her legs around his waist and began kissing his neck and shoulders. It took them a while to get to Riza's room since Roy kept becoming distracted, pressing Riza against the hallway walls kissing her. Finally they managed to get there and Roy walked to the foot of the bed and fell down upon it on top of her. Riza already taking an interest in Roy's belt, she pulled it through the loops before throwing it aimlessly to the floor, along with soon after his pants. Roy then bent down to pull down her skirt, as he did he kissed right below her belly button sending a shiver up Riza's spine. After the skirt was gone, he hooked his finger around the waste band of her underwear before pulling away the wet garmnet. She blushed at the feeling of now being so exposed leading her to begin pulling on the waistband of his boxers, which he gladly striped away.

She looked down at him then blushed wildly and looked away when she saw he had caught her, but he just smirked and raised his chin slightly, earning Riza to roll her eyes. He looked at her too, wanting to remember everything about her naked body, every curve and mole, and freckle. She looked so happy and excited and he wished he could be with her like this forever. He smiled at her and she smiled back. Roy wrapped his arms around her and lay there on top of the blond, he didn't want to forget her touch, he didn't want to let go again, she was so warm. When he finally pulled away she began repositioning herself, eager to get started and Roy remembered what they were about to do. She was ready.

He also positioned himself to enter her, when he was ready he looked at her and she nodded her head and kissed him. He pushed into her as slowly as he could, he knew it was going to hurt and the last thing he wanted to do was bring any more pain to her. When she cried out in pain, Roy was ready to stop it altogether.

"Are you ok?" he asked, surprised by his breathlessness. She nodded, breathing heavy, he studied her expression but kept going, beginning a slow and steady rhythm kissing Riza's lips, checks, forehead, and neck as he went, biting and licking trying to comfort her somehow. She wasn't really kissing back or responding to his attentions, the expression on her face was deep concentration. He felt he wasn't doing a good job pleasuring her until he moved his hips in a different direction and must have hit the perfect spot, because she suddenly moaned out in pleasure, arching up to met his thrust. He couldn't believe his luck.

"More… please" she whimpered, "faster Roy…please," her pleading sending a surge of adrenaline through his body. He picked up his pace thrusting into her faster and harder, making sure to push into the same spot. The more he gave to her the more her whimpers, groans, and yells urging him on, pushed him to his edge. Riza could hear him reaching his limit, his breathing heavy and whispers of her name leaving her lips. She dug her fingernails deeply into his back leaving marks, his bangs wet with sweat and sticking to his forehead. Suddenly it hit him and he moaned out loud in pleasure.

"Oh god Riza, oh Riza.." he yelled, she could feel his seed now entering her body as he came. He took a few long breaths before he continued, wanting her to reach her peak too. He thrusted into her over and over again, her meeting him every time until finally she climaxed his body giving her wave after wave of pleasure. She yelled out and fell back into the pillow, Roy collapsing exhausted on top of her. Both of them were breathing heavy, tying to catch their breath. After a few minutes Roy pulled out of her rolling to her side.

"Wow" was all he could say.

After feeling the warmth of her body leave his, he immediately pulled her to him. She rested her head on his chest, feeling his still erratic heart beat. He traced his fingers over the line of her shoulder while she draped her arm over his chest.

Silence.

It was a nice kind of quiet that was so comfortable. Riza finally took her head off Roy's chest and smiled up at him. He brought his hand to her cheek and pushed the hair from her eyes and smiled. She kissed his fingers softly. He then pulled her up and met their lips quickly before breaking apart.

"I have to say, I think I'm falling for you Riza Hawkeye. Actually scratch, that I know I am, I guess I have known for some time now."

In response she kissed him again and said, "I hoped I would forget, but now after everything, I need you Roy, I don't want to live my life without you in it."

He smiled at her and kissed her nose, "You wont have to Riza, I promise."


End file.
